The Holiday From Hell | Part 2

*Originally posted on my blog at http://callumjw.blogspot.co.uk/2015/09/the-holiday-from-hell-part-2.html*

Getting To The Hotel 

So arriving at Corfu airport was painless, we were hit by the sweltering heat and went through the formality of commenting on how "it could be too hot" and made our way out to departures to meet the pre booked taxi we I had arranged weeks before back in England. 

I see a sign, it reads 'Callum Whitscomes'. Okay so it's not like I signed every single one of the 11 emails I sent them about this booking as 'Callum Whitcombe', but it doesn't matter, who cares. Let's get this show on the road.

We meet our driver who's an older guy with white hair and tanned skin. Excellent, we thought, a local who knows the roads and he's old, so nice smooth driving to calm our still frazzled nerves. 

We didn't ever catch his name but Emma and I took to referring to him as Matey. 

Matey frogmarched us from the airport and eventually pointed at the ground and said "here"; we waited THERE whilst he stalked off and brought the car around. We drove in mostly awkward silence through town until we randomly and violently pulled over outside a shop shed, he commanded "wait" and stomped off; so we WAITED whilst he brought himself a pack of cigarettes. Both Emma and I exchanged a look, is this guy for real but maybe this is just Corfu: Mediterranean, more relaxed, a different pace. 

What we soon actually learnt was that this guy was just a total knob. 

He sat chain smoking, driving three and half the times the speed of light around switchback roads and tight corners. And then his phone rang, which he answered, still smoking, and drove with only his knees shouting Greek down the phone at some poor unlucky shmuck whilst Emma and I sat in silence unable to speak over his shouts and through our own sheer and utter terror. 

THEN low and behold with only a few moments left of our drive our brooding, maniacal taxi driver hung up his phone and started talking perfect English, because of course he wanted us to arrange for him to be our return taxi in a weeks time and being the suckers we are, we agreed. 

The Hotel 

Now after the frankly amazing reviews on the hotel that was costing us £10 a night each I was genuinely excited when our suicidal taxi driver rolled into a white washed building surrounded by orange and lemon trees. Yes, I thought, let the holiday begin, roll out the sun cream and someone get me a beer STAT.

But first we had to find someone to show us the room and after traipsing around the hotel we found someone... I mean, something. I can only really describe her by saying that she was probably very close to getting the role for Nanny McPhee but was let down due to her pure lack of people skills, charisma, charm, human warmth, you get the gist. 

Now after we had explained to Nanny Mcphee who we were she commented on how early we had arrived, despite my telling them we would be, and eventually she showed us to our room. 

Now if our room was a girl it would be a gum chewing, skinny jean wearing, 1Directioning, OMGing, BFFFing, levelled BASIC bitch. Essentially there wasn't much in the way of luxury, we had two very hard single beds. Fantastic for your first holiday away with your girlfriend. An AWFUL yellow/brown/infected tiled bathroom with a leaky shower and stained/moulding mirror. A MINISCULE kitchen that also housed another single bed, for no apparent reason, and patio doors that led to our 'balcony' that despite our request and booking confirmation for a sea view, over looked the main drive, the road, and some hedges that housed a family of stray cats. 

All in all £20 a night suddenly felt a bit steep, especially after Nanny Mcphee's whistle stop tour of what was in the hotel, but the highlight was when we asked her for a map of the local area, Nanny Mcphee's response: "No we don't have, but go to one of the Quad bike rental places, they will" and with that she scurried out the room, managing to both slam and fail to shut our door.

Seriously who finished this bathroom, looked at it and said "Yeah, tourists will fucking love this" 

So, after a hellish flight, taxi and start at the 'hotel', we had Corfu as our oyster and now surely we were done with nasty surprises.

Corfu, however was not quite not with us yet